Sunday, November 11, 2012

There are some wounds that even time can't heal...

Its been 8 1/2 years now since my sister died. Most days are bearable and I can get through them without the heart ache getting to me.

Most days are normal.

But every now and then, days like today come around.

Today I was out doing some early Christmas shopping when I wandered into HMV, why I just don't know. I wasn't going in there for anything particular and lets be honest, no one buys CD's anymore. Yet somehow I found myself wandering the aisles.

I came across 2 CD's that I picked up and walked around with in my hands for a few minutes. One was the Mariah Carey Christmas album. I ended up putting it back. I know exactly why too. Her song "All I want for Christmas", although my favorite Christmas song of all time, always comes on the radio exactly when I need it to. Many times when I am all alone.  It was our Christmas song we shared and went ballistic for as kids. It usually fills me with such a mixed emotion of happiness and sadness that all I can do is cry. I felt that I needed to leave her with that opportunity to send me messages from heaven.

The other CD was Shania Twain's Greatest Hits. Random right? It was on sale for $8.00 so I bought it excited to rock out in my car to some country. When I got back to my car I literally couldn't wait. Before I even left the parking lot Shania was blasting in my car.

Then the unexpected hit me. I completely lost it. Not even a minute into the first song I picked I was crying. A rush of pain I couldn't fight off. Hearing an old song we used to have living room dance parties and sing-offs to broke me. It was like someone ripped my heart wide open and all the sadness and feelings of emptiness that I suppress on a day to day basis came pouring out.

It's been over 8 years and when one silly song comes on... it still hurts. It hurts so much that no matter how many words I put into a blog post I could still never express it. There's a loneliness.. a hole where her presence is supposed to be. I know with out a doubt that she watches over me and is with me in spirit but it will never be enough.

All I want is to be able to call her on the phone and say "guess what I bought today!!! We need to go on a road trip so we can listen to it together like we used to". Every single day there is something I want to tell her about. Every single day I wish I could hear her voice... and mostly her laugh. I feel like I am forgetting what they sound like.

As I write this post, I have the Shania CD playing on repeat in the background and i've had to walk away from my computer 4 times now because what I am trying to type out is so hard to put into words that I literally want to puke.

I guess time doesn't heal all wounds...


Kaylee Sullivan said...

Lots of good thoughts towards you today. That wound doesn't ever heal, but it's enough to know that some days will be better than others.

terra said...

Hugs, lady. <3