Its been 8 1/2 years now since my sister died. Most days are bearable and I can get through them without the heart ache getting to me.
Most days are normal.
But every now and then, days like today come around.
Today I was out doing some early Christmas shopping when I wandered into HMV, why I just don't know. I wasn't going in there for anything particular and lets be honest, no one buys CD's anymore. Yet somehow I found myself wandering the aisles.
I came across 2 CD's that I picked up and walked around with in my hands for a few minutes. One was the Mariah Carey Christmas album. I ended up putting it back. I know exactly why too. Her song "All I want for Christmas", although my favorite Christmas song of all time, always comes on the radio exactly when I need it to. Many times when I am all alone. It was our Christmas song we shared and went ballistic for as kids. It usually fills me with such a mixed emotion of happiness and sadness that all I can do is cry. I felt that I needed to leave her with that opportunity to send me messages from heaven.
The other CD was Shania Twain's Greatest Hits. Random right? It was on sale for $8.00 so I bought it excited to rock out in my car to some country. When I got back to my car I literally couldn't wait. Before I even left the parking lot Shania was blasting in my car.
Then the unexpected hit me. I completely lost it. Not even a minute into the first song I picked I was crying. A rush of pain I couldn't fight off. Hearing an old song we used to have living room dance parties and sing-offs to broke me. It was like someone ripped my heart wide open and all the sadness and feelings of emptiness that I suppress on a day to day basis came pouring out.
It's been over 8 years and when one silly song comes on... it still hurts. It hurts so much that no matter how many words I put into a blog post I could still never express it. There's a loneliness.. a hole where her presence is supposed to be. I know with out a doubt that she watches over me and is with me in spirit but it will never be enough.
All I want is to be able to call her on the phone and say "guess what I bought today!!! We need to go on a road trip so we can listen to it together like we used to". Every single day there is something I want to tell her about. Every single day I wish I could hear her voice... and mostly her laugh. I feel like I am forgetting what they sound like.
As I write this post, I have the Shania CD playing on repeat in the background and i've had to walk away from my computer 4 times now because what I am trying to type out is so hard to put into words that I literally want to puke.
I guess time doesn't heal all wounds...